Cardigans and Care

            Of the eight or nine scars I have (of dozens I don’t see), the one that serves as touchstone is the tiniest, just outside my left nostril. It happened when I was four or five years old. Mom came back from checking the level of the nearby river, prone to flooding; the tv could have babysat me for those fifteen minutes, but it was off, leaving me to my imagination. I was never bored in northwest Minnesota, and what we had around the house and yard was simple, more alluring than anything on tv. Sure, watching an Apollo rocket blast off was exciting, as neighbors came over and Dad struggled to correct the contrast. But day-to-day programs didn’t mean so much to me.

            Except Mr Rogers’ Neighborhood. And when Mom announced it was starting, I sprang up from the living room carpet and bounced from armchair to sofa to the corner of the coffee table, which caught me by the nose. I can’t remember if it hurt, but the feeling of the flap was gruesome, reflected in my mother’s panicked eyes. She hadn’t yet turned on the tv, so didn’t have to turn it off as she rushed me out the door and into the car to get stitched up at a hospital I no longer remember. Memory only remains on the episode I didn’t see that day.

            I won’t pretend I loved everything Fred Rogers did. His ‘land of make believe’ had voices too contrived, and Mr McFeely’s “speedy delivery” needed to chill out. Chef Brockett was okay, but took time away from Betty Aberlin, a kind of crush, in retrospect. I enjoyed the routines: feeding fish with a couple sprinkles and a check to see that the gouramis were swimming together nicely; the singing of the intro, tossing a shoe from right hand to left, opening the closet for one of his cardigans, all of them knit by his mother. I agreed with his closing remarks—always the same, if phrased uniquely day after day: “you are special and good just the way you are.” Debater I’d become, I could have taken him to task: “what about that bully down the road who might be watching, getting your green light to be himself?” But I didn’t. Mr Rogers talked through difficulties all the time and knew they wouldn’t go away. Knew also they didn’t have to define or trump a given day.

            Because this year marks the fiftieth anniversary of the program’s launch, and because documentaries are out about his legacy, I introduced my 12^th grade students to that television neighborhood. Just some clips, articles, links to civil causes and interviews. We’re studying ‘mass communication’ and the myriad manipulations that go with free speech. Sometimes it’s hard to know what to trust, when to bend or bolt, whom to share with, why to even care.

            That was August. In late October, the Pittsburgh neighborhood of Squirrel Hill, where Fred Rogers lived and worked, witnessed Hitler’s undying evil. The Tree of Life synagogue had open its Edenic doors to anyone who’d come to pray that day, risking anyone who’d alter the agenda and make those prayers cower, wail, surcease. The gunman was anyone you might imagine, and not necessarily that erstwhile bully down the road. More likely someone bullied, cowering, wailing, wanting to surcease.

            The story rarely knows itself. I imagine Fred Rogers scripted every second of his show, demanded in his gentle tone a discipline on set and duty to do things well, consistently…. No, I don’t. I imagine many ad hoc takes, listening to the banter at the coffee urn that was putting to the proof. Kids grow up and have kids; parallel lines blur with distance and blush with the generation gap. Coming of age is hard enough; coming to terms is anybody’s guess.

            I started wearing cardigans in college. They were rather available at thrift shops—grandpas die and leave this type of thread. Student teaching, I could feign a formal look to impress a principal, then shed the sweater when a lesson needed some elbow grease. In Minnesota, you dressed in layers anyway. People might have called me ‘Mr Rogers’, or more often ‘Richie Cunningham’, whom I resembled. Both satisfied, and student teaching opened many doors.

            I sometimes want to close them, retreat into my memories, even those like falling on my nose. I sometimes want to inventory what is there—count the sheep, so to speak. Spend Q-time with familiars. Zip into what my grandma knit. Walk the neighborhood through the dog that walks me. Insulate the tried-and-true of care.

            “The world is too much with us,” Wordsworth says, and in another poem, “The Child is father of the Man.” Inversions happen all the time: a tree of life contributes to original, outrageous sin—unthinkable, if we stop to think. And here Fred would often say, especially to adults:

“All of us have special ones who have loved us into being. Would you just take, along with me, ten seconds to think of the people who have helped you become who you are, those who have cared about you and wanted what was best for you in life. Ten seconds of silence. I’ll watch the time.”

 Ten seconds to infinity, fleeting and indelible.

            Mr Rogers was a lifelong Republican, I’ve heard, and though I’ve never voted for that party, I’ve loved a thousand people who have, and still do. Of course I wish he could have lived another quarter century and comment wisely on current events in this enclave of our universe. It’s fitting, though, that he has passed away, leaving memory, reminders, and a closetful of cardigans.

           

Daniel Martin Vold Lamken (2018)